We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
