I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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