I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
