I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
