i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
