do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
