all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
