I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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