since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
