I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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