Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
