they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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