In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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