Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
