so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
