My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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