I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
