go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
