she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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