Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Randomize
