the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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