i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
