Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
