my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
