1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Drunk is not a location!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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