yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
