If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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