RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My liver just had a heart attack.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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