party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
