the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
