i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
