dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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