just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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