I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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