I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
