The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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