i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
