highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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