My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
