I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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