Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
