I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I need a beard to bite.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
