I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
