his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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