So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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