Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
