I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
