if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
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