Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize