Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
