I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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